Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Ghost costume 😂
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy