Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD