[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
channeling her this year
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.