Bootstraps
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished