Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

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me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]


Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*


Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.


Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.


(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name


911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now


Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.