me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
You Might Also Like
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
not for long
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
never ask a starfish for directions
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.