Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
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Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn鈥檛 have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 馃憤
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it鈥檚 painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don鈥檛 understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.