Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Florida man
Guys, I found it.
Note to self: I am a note
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”