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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
subtitles are so good nowadays
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
They’re not wrong
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight