Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
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Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Xylophonist Shredding It
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.