bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
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August 8
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Growing out my freckles.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.