Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
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I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.