Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
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I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I don’t know what to do
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars