@dustinbeavers

Born to be mild.

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@FrenulumBreve

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

@InternetHippo

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

@Ameiam

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

@Darlainky

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

@HuntPoindexter

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

@OutOfLeftField_

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

@UncleDuke1969

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.