Born to be mild.

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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”


As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.


maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]


Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.


I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.


Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.


What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)


waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing