Born to be mild.
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
my mind
You just read my mind
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.