@dustinbeavers

Born to be mild.

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@Stellacopter

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

@Parentpains

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

@suntzufuntzu

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

@RodLacroix

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

@nayele18maybe

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

@ronradu

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

@BobGolen

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

@TweetPotato314

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing