@dustinbeavers
@FrenulumBreve “hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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@FrenulumBreve 
@joshglendinning Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
@InternetHippo [meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
@Ameiam So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
@RidiculousSheri Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
@DickKingSmith Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
@Darlainky My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
@HuntPoindexter My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
@OutOfLeftField_ Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
@UncleDuke1969 BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.