Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
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What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!