born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
You Might Also Like
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I hope they boil the right one.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.