Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
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Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I can’t stop laughing at this
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection