Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
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My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
New comic up. “Ransom”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Leaving the Barbers like
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help