Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
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Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Facebook memories be like
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.