Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
yea so i messed up lol
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.