Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
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You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
i made a craigslist ad !
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.