Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
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My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand