Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Flock of bats
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
😅😅😅
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Breaking news:
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.