Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.