boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.