boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
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I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Sharon I have some bad news
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.