*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
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“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
thanks auntie mary
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable