Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
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my favorite genre of twitter
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m dying louder than usual today.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return