Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie