boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.