BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.