BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
yes… yes…
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?