BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five
ME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.