Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Had an epiphany today.