@armyVet1972

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

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@LeMay666

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

@jlock17

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

@capricecrane

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

@dave_cactus

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

@NintenDom

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

@womenshumor

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

@ACartoonCat

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

@RexHuppke

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?