@LeMay666 I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
@armyVet1972 Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
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@LeMay666 
@jlock17 I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
@capricecrane If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
@dave_cactus HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
@NintenDom Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
@womenshumor I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
@truegritrumble FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
@ACartoonCat *first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
@RexHuppke The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
@NeighborGrumpy 3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?