Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
You Might Also Like
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
SPLOOT
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.