@Merman_Melville

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

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@minnie_in_pink7

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

@pleatedjeans

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

@awkwardphilippe

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

@TheAndrewNadeau

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

@Shen_the_Bird

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

@AudreyPorne

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

@DanMentos

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*

*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no