[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.