Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
But is it really??
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Sponch