Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
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“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The Compass
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
can I use a minion as a tampon
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done