boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
no one:
coworker at a part time job you鈥檝e known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I鈥檝e been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he鈥檇 do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,