Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
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Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.