@IamEveryDayPpl

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

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@carlyken

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

@sarahschauer

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

@KalvinMacleod

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

@Cheeseboy22

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

@skullmandible

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

@eff_yeah_steph

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

@faeIov

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away