Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.