Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
SPLOOT
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you