Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
me before I type out affect or effect
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan