BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Plant care tips
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.