Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
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MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.