Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
* the office chair spins around immediately *

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Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?


*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience


James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”


*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.


Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*


Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.


[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna


My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.


To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.


The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.