[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*