Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
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If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together