Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend