Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber