Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
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oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”