boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?