Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
You Might Also Like
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
consequences, the bane of my existence
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Order here:
More here:
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Chemical wingman
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”