boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos